Ketchup is God's man juice
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
