two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
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