im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
are you so shy because you have an std?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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