I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Im part way to drunk.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
