3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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