My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
