my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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