Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
