If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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