I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
