Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
