4 words: hood of his car
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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