I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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