I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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