hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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