Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
