so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
