we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
