Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
