im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
