my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
