apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
