Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Boobs are out for the taking
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize