I wish I could teleport
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
