I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize