I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
