So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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