I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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