Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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