Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
