She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
