Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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