The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Randomize
