so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
not ubering you a puppy
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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