Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
