His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
