im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
