Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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