as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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