omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
