I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
