I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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