I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
