It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
and she was petting her beer can
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
