I wish you could order shots online.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
