Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
