Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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