i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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