She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
