Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
