I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
