I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
