Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
