I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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