The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
