I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
