so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Randomize
